18 November 2023
WE MUST NOT THINK OF THE "HERMIT," AS SOMETHING wholly cut off from "society," (how would we know of him?); we are simply justifying our neglect of our piece of Art here, pointing to our most recent attempts to "mingle," which, alas, did not go well. Far be it from us to rush back to our hidey hole in a huff.. rather taking courage; you can't spout off about accepting the rejection telling the truth has in store and not be able to keep working in the midst of such "survival-fear," touch off, any more than we should seek our impotent little vengeance in the name of Art, having full "access," (to the web), here in the cave; that would be no better than patching our wounds watching porn. Thank god, we should say then, that the society should not be something thought of as wholly cut off from the Hermit.
And then of course there was this, (below), like a banjo, barging in to accompany the wedding band, of it's own volition:
Saturday, Nov 11 · 9:08 PM
Texting with (585) xxx-xxxx
Hey, is this Richard?
9:08 PM
It is.
9:10 PM·SMS
Saturday, Nov 11 · 10:14 PM
Okay good.
10:14 PM
Do you know when the Golden Slipper meeting is?
10:15 PM
9:30 tomorrow morning.
10:17 PM·SMS
do I get to know who you are?
10:18 PM·SMS
I mean, 585 is a Rochester area code, or used to be, Jesus, for an hour I thought maybe this was something serious.
10:23 PM·SMS
Saturday, Nov 11 · 11:56 PM
I suppose you can consider me…your secret admirer. Hope to see you tomorrow, but if not, sooner than later.
11:56 PM
Sunday, Nov 12 - 1:03 PM
Sunday · 1:03 PM
Wut r u up to on this fine Sunday
1:03 PM
Sunday · 3:00 PM
What? Other than wondering what this is about? I mean, is there some reason you don't want me to know who this is?
3:00 PM·SMS
Monday, Nov 13 -12:15 PM
Monday · 12:15 PM
Well, mystery person, I'd have to conclude that there is in fact some significant reason you want to remain anonymous. I wouldn't be snapping to judgement as to whether that is a sufficient reason to shut down any conversation immediately, or even try and guess what it might be. I like a little mystery. Most of the joys I experience now have little to do with anything I've had very much to do with. Leaving the "secret," part aside for a minute, it might be interesting to hear what there is to "admire," (if that part of the thing gets less attention). Your having asked about the Golden Slipper says that some real care needs to be given to the number one issue in my life, at least, (if that's how you have come to know me, through A.A. There's no fucking around with sobriety for me, not anyone else's and certainly not my own). What do you want, what do you hope to gain.. you can feel free to share any of that you want to.. where you been.. where you want to go.. you name it.
12:15 PM·SMS
Wednesday, Nov 15 - 2:19 PM
Wednesday · 2:19 PM
I admire the progress I’ve seen you make. I admire your continual path of the “trudge to happy destiny,” no matter how hard shit can be. I find physically appealing. I find you mysterious. I admire your brokenness. There’s something beautiful about it. I don’t know much about you. But I can tell you’re trying your damndest to be a better person. Unless I’m a total moron. I too want to be a better person. For me first. That is important and may sound selfish. But I’ve always loathed the phrase “you can’t love anybody else until you love yourself.” And I have come to the conclusion I’ve hated it so much because, it’s true. I wrote it off for decades as bullshit. Another stupid adage to add to the list. But today, I believe it to be true. I’ve been everywhere. Everywhere but present. And I find that to be a big hurdle, among many others. I want to be truthful and honest. Not only with myself, but with every single person I come in contact with. I’ve struggled with real TRUTH all my life. And I don’t want to struggle anymore. I want to be content…to have a purpose, or multiple purposes. I want to influence other people in a positive way without telling someone else “hey, I did this really good thing for this person!” I hope to gain insight. A little more about you and your story. A friend.
2:19 PM
Decades? (that's a good sign).
But before I get too involved in this today, I'll let it be known I like to have fun, which isn't too different than anyone else, but my mind shoots to things that make me laugh, sometimes "wholesome," sometimes not so much, or not exactly appropriate to the conversation.. sometimes things get, or dive too deep that the body feels the need to intervene and says, "alright! enough! I'm taking over." It's probably the person that laughs at your jokes that.. well.. what's better than that?
Also, thank you for all that answer, I don't doubt there is tons more. And I'd certainly like to get into the whole "being present," thing and the "self-love," thing, but I can go on and on, especially about the whole mystery of treating others as our self, or what "love," (in its various forms), looks like. I've actually got work I'm in the middle of here, so, I'm going to put off deeper discussion until this evening, but there's a lot here.
Hopefully, you don't have a penis.. hahaha.. (funny, I hope.. it's funny to me).
3:11 PM·SMS
You’re in luck, because I do not have a penis. But does this mean you’re thinking about some romantic sort of thing?
3:33 PM
I think of everything, for one. For two, if you were "some dude," approaching me like this? I'd have had some really different feelings about it, and killed it. I believe you want what I want, a friend. That's what you said. You will have to believe that's what I want or not, or at least I know I have to be willing to forgo romance if that's what being your friend means, same as I'd ask of you.
4:10 PM·SMS
These are friendship ideals I've begun to lay out and practice as best I can, but it's a new thing.
4:10 PM·SMS
Anyway, I just found out a few of my A.A. friends smoke pot, so, I'm not real happy with people on the whole, at this point.
4:15 PM·SMS
That would be my next question, hopefully you aren't on drugs.
4:20 PM·SMS
Certainly the word "hopefully," makes my preference kind of obvious. I probably should have asked, "do you have a penis?" Such is the problem with texting in general. That might have been funnier. "Secret admirer," didn't help, but hopefully we cleared that up. My guess is you're married.
4:30 PM·SMS
Okay, this might be worthwhile, or give you a focus, maybe you can define "friendship," as you know it or imagine it to be.. if you lack it.. you got a "best friend?" And is that doing it for you?
4:49 PM·SMS
You might not like that I push pretty hard toward a deeper thing immediately, because it's just my nature, if you want light chit chat, I'm not that guy.
If it helps to know something very personal about me, I swore off romantic relationships maybe ten years ago, (ironically, I decided to stay out of real emotional entanglement, -not sure I've ever had sex without emotional entanglement, until I could love myself, or not need to be connected to someone else, to feel loved by them). People think that's weird, but it's the only decision I've stuck to in those ten years. Intimacy needs to be relearned, or my nervous system has to be re-conditioned to handle it. It's from losing my mother real young, and not knowing that my childhood included any trauma from that, I mean, the normal "discipline," (violence), but it was at the same time I had an enlightened counselor give me the PTSD test and pretty much identified the real problem, which is when things began to really change. For almost 30 years prior to that I was treated for depression and bipolar depression with medications, one and another and another, because anti-depressants turns out to be the worst thing you can give to someone suffering from childhood trauma. So I quit all that "medication," and started eating right, trying to heal my nervous system as much as possible. I'm pretty scientific, but, it doesn't mean the bible is meaningless. There's plenty of truth to be found there. But I couldn't join that community because I simply didn't believe what they were telling me the words meant. But the community is a "higher power," for me, believable enough to sustain me, and it makes me a part of "God," (or that power), in a real, material way.. and my part is practicing being someone's friend. I don't know how much you've heard me talk about all that, but it's good to have something that simple that I genuinely believe in, and all that's required is telling people the truth.. you know, I was thinking, and I'll probably lose you here, telling the truth is probably the one thing in this entire lifetime that we can do perfectly. Initially people say NO, that's impossible, but is it really?
5:44 PM·MMS
And yeah, most generally, "bearing your soul," is stupid, but can you imagine living your whole life NEVER bearing your soul?
5:58 PM·SMS
I'll tell you why I will do it, because it's thrilling.
5:58 PM·SMS
My guess is that this thing is either very far out of character, or there is about NO part of you and me "hanging out," in public that is going to connect to any other part of your life.. without causing some real heads to turn.. and if you are the girl I hope you are, or want you to be, I'm sorry but, it's romantic already, in my head.. and if you're not that girl? Who knows? How much of life as you look around and see it is anywhere ever CLOSE to what you were taught was "right?" And I'll leave you to answer some of that. If you been at this for decades and want more, it's been my whole life, and just now starting to be worth doing, and I only expect to grow more mature as time passes. Nothing has helped me more than seeing growth in myself, so if you say you have seen growth, that's a nice confirmation. So thank you. You'd have had to be thinking about this for a little while to have seen growth.. or seeing growth is maybe what you know life is all about. Yeah the best times of my life was when I was stuck with a group of guys in something where we had to figure out what the truth was, among the authorities, among ourselves, but the bottom line was, or is for me, the individual is only going to mature as his environment will allow. Fish will grow to the size of the pond and plants to the size of the pot.. so, yeah, the community needs to be strong, and how does that happen?
6:07 PM·SMS
Wait... Are you a "morning person?" Because I've always been, and I'm pretty sure mankind has progressed enough that we can pretty much guarantee the sun is going to rise in the morning.. we don't have to do any sun-dance, or sacrifice any scapegoat or virgin to appease the gods, so they'll send the light back into the sky.. it might be hiding a long while, and the rain might rip a few houses down, but I'm just about certain, waking up, at least until I start thinking, I'm going to feel great. We might not be doing ourselves any favors creating artificial lights, so we can be up when our bodies have no business being up.. honest to god, "hands off," is just about the best advice I've ever given any good attention to, and that is the whole spirit of A.A.. in my opinion. Because most everything I put my hands on.. well.. the greater joys are seeing other people grow, to really see it.. there's no way another person's growth can't be anything but good for me.. there's still quite a lot of vestiges of envy and jealousy and fear that I"m not going to get "mines." But I know from too much experience that ramming around trying to make all that happen is the worst possible thing I can do. Getting. And lonely nights? Pain, fear, all that? Trying to make all that go away is what I used alcohol for. And nothing is going to replace a drink. So, "loving" myself? You absolutely know just how shitty and discouraged, tired, pissed off, unsatisfied.. all of it.. that any person can feel.. and it sucks that I have to be my own "parent," or the adult in the house when I'm the only one here. It's been probably the best summer of my life, and the hardest. Especially now.. learning that the people closest to me are smoking dope. That that is done so lightly.. but needs to be kept hidden.. they said I was the "cop," as a joke, but, well, everybody knows that everybody lies to the cops. I don't know if it's an act of "will," to tend to myself.. I'm just glad I am better at it than I was a year ago, and expect to get better at it still. This is the conversation I'd be having with one of them if they weren't out getting high.
6:40 PM·MMS
Wednesday · 10:35 PM
Well, give as much or as little as you are comfortable with.. I'm pretty used to feeling foolish.. worst part of all I said was spelling "bare," wrong. Maybe I am more interested in this friendship than I should be, but, maybe you're getting high too.. to me it's worth the risk of rejection. That's the hardest part about telling the whole truth. People snicker at the idea, like it's "quaint," or naive. This could be the best or worst thing that ever happened to me, but I shouldn't have said I am not up for light conversation, because it depends on my mood, and also, this is quite a strange thing, you could be seriously unstable. I don't mean to treat everything like a puzzle that needs to be put together but, women are like a treasure chest to me that needs prying open, most of them.. maybe there's nothing at all in there, but that's doubtful. I'd be very sorry if I hurt your feelings, or you find out I'm not what you thought I was outside of an A.A. meeting. No hard feelings I hope, I don't have any toward you. I hope you come back and give me something to go on.. I mean, you can see where I'll take things by myself.
10:35 PM·SMS
Thursday, Nov 16 · 8:19 AM
Jesus, while were YOUNG? (that's something my Dad would have said, and won't be as funny to anyone else as it is to me). I'd suspect you're pretty "heavy laden," as most women are, none more than the "independent," ones.. I haven't met a woman yet who doesn't show up a-la-family-in-tow. But it's all perfectly in line with the rest of nature, or forgotten nature, the male jumping around flapping his pretty feathers, the female sitting by with look of, "you have got to be kidding me." I'd say, yeah, you want to tell the world the truth at every turn, enjoy a little spontaneity again, you'll need to learn to accept some serious rejection.. at least until it begins to really sink in that rejection doesn't mean anything anymore, if you got resources of your own, you don't have to wipe mom and dad's shit up or off their ass anymore.. it wasn't your job to see to their "survival," or provide protection from the big bad world.. you got cheated. Unless maybe you had good parents, which, I'm not convinced there are any, or has been for more decades than you or I have been alive. But blessed "America," is not a subject at aoll popular with women and girls. I'd suspect you want to be seen. The real you. So that you can know once and for all if you are truly loved. I mean, take your time. Go slow. But again, that's not exactly nature's way. You know your worth deep down. It's not about being a "better," person, christ, if you can figure out how to make that happen.. like other people's approval, or any man's attention, has given you anything but ho-hum-de-dum... I like discussing social drama.. I've got a theory that the source of all women's "anxieties," and focus, really originated in men projecting theirs onto you all. We're the ones that are supposed to be pretty and be able to build a decent nest. And yeah, if anyone fell short of all that it was me.. but, in my defense, I took one look around as a kid and said no way.. I'm going straight to "God." And that's brought me here. I did a wholehearted, some will say "obsessive," search for God.. because I figured, if you're going to go after something, go for the highest there is.
8:19 AM·MMS
Thursday · 10:20 AM
I really just don’t know what to say….there’s so much there, to don’t know where to begin. Holy shit, you think a lot. Seems slightly neurotic, but who isn’t. I’m not married. And Jesus, I just really don’t know where to start with that 6,900 word college thesis…
10:20 AM
I don’t smoke weed. And I could write a college thesis about my “mental health journey”…I was on medication for about 9 years until I decided it was doing more harm than good. I think you might have too much time on your hands, Mr. Richard. You seem to have all the answers. Especially when it comes to women and what goes on in their brains.
10:34 AM
I'm all ears now, for a minute.. you counted my words?
10:35 AM·SMS
Well I rounded down…it was actually 6,969.
10:55 AM
And I'm weird.. (I was actually toning things down for you).
10:58 AM·SMS
And for the record, women have had to hide themselves probably from the beginning of time, so, nobody knows anything about them really.. I just like to provoke.
11:04 AM·SMS
Well that’s pretty obvious (that you like to provoke). Might have made a mistake in reaching out…You seem to value “objectivity” over subjectivity, which is great, but you’re also the one considering yourself the final arbiters of what objectivity is…Your “wounded boy, turned enlightened boy…who is still searching for what masculinity is” act, shouldn’t make me feel less intelligent for not being as “rational” as you during a discussion about my own gender. Your ability to emotionally detach from women’s own lived reality doesn’t make you smarter than women; it makes you more privileged.
11:30 AM
Yikes.
11:56 AM·SMS
Yeah, yikes is right. But this was a good lesson. What you see is not always what you get. Or just some “not having expectations” bullshit.
12:37 PM
Thursday · 1:41 PM
I think as much as I'd like to get as personal back, (I don't even know what got to you so bad). But if this is "subjectivity," you can have it.
1:41 PM·SMS
Thursday · 11:14 PM
If we can wrap this up kindly, I feel kind of ugly about it. I can accept that parts of my speech were derogatory toward women, (you were not saying anything), but I don't even know who you are, and none of it was personal. I was mainly fucking, speculating, mainly trying to open a conversation. I expected you to comment, disagree, give an opinion.. give me a woman's perspective on life. I don't think I made one comment about you personally. So to have you tell me I think I have all the answers, or that my whole thing is some, what you called is, a "wounded boy/enlightened boy" act.. or suggest my objective is to prove I'm smarter than you about women.. (didn't really understand your last bit about being "privileged," or what you see is not what you got). Maybe that doesn't seem like a personal attack on my character to you but it feels like it to me. I'll stay clear of your Golden Slipper meeting. I don't even want to know who you are.
11:14 PM·SMS
I meant to say I was mainly fucking around, maybe have conversation about people in general.. I mean, feel free to give me your perspective on men.. but that didn't happen.
11:16 PM·SMS
Friday, Nov 17 · 1:47 AM
How you “feel” is in your control. Not mine. You feel ugly about it? Can’t help ya there. You’re one of those “talk the talk,”‘without walking the walk”‘types…a phony. You had me fooled. Probably fooling yourself too. I don’t know what I saw in you that made me reach out. But I wish I hadn’t. I bothered you, but I’m done with this. I apologize for reaching out. There was just something about you…but that’s part of the act I suppose. Have a good life, I hope you continue to progress, become a better human and friend…and stay sober. Bye Dick. I mean Richard.
1:47 AM
actors think everybody else is acting
1:49 AM·SMS
I don't see how pointing out my flaws makes you a better person
1:53 AM·SMS
you're just plain mean
1:54 AM·SMS
and you talk like you're 13
2:02 AM·SMS
Haha now you’re gaslighting me. Cheaters always think their partner is cheating. Liars are always paranoid everyone’s lying. I must sound so dumb because I I’m a woman. Makes sense. This was a a HUGE mistake. Again, apologies for reaching out thinking you were someone completely different. Not just some man who brags about celibacy and says “this is romantic” in the same breath. You’re just a lonely old man who likes to hear himself talk. It’s just regurgitated bullshit. Say or do something vulnerable…new, and honest. But actually don’t. Im tired , I’m old, I’m going to bed.
2:26 AM
And I’m not mean. The truth hurts, bud.
2:27 AM
so you're trying to help me.. that's what this was all about
2:30 AM·SMS
Thanks, it's really changed my life.
2:46 AM·SMS
Friday · 12:03 PM
No one can help you but you. So no, I’m not trying to help you.
12:03 PM
Friday · 1:43 PM
Misunderstood the "get vulnerable," piece, maybe I haven't given you enough ammo.. maybe ask your sponsor to look at the chat, the two of you together can tell me what a piece of shit I am.. but I suspect you knew this was a mistake before you even looked up my phone number.. and any friend you let in on it would have said to leave the newly sober alone.. if you didn't come here to help.. or to build up... maybe somebody else can figure out what your purpose in this was.
1:43 PM·SMS
Saturday, Nov 18 -12:59 AM
12:59 AM
Just Glock me. I’m donex
12:59 AM